Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Addiction

It's a cycle, a really obnoxious cycle.

It happens to me way more often than I'd like. I get excited. I think things are going well and I stay confidant, and then something happens that shakes my confidence and nothing is the same. You keep moving, trying to go forward, pretty sure that this is different than any other thing or any other time it has happened, and you know what? Maybe it is different, but it doesn't matter because something happens and you don't know what it is and all of a sudden whatever you had, whatever hope your were grasping on to get obliterated by a single comment or ignored attempt at a connection. All the sudden you're thrown off into some terrible black hole of a place and you wonder what you did wrong, and you can't think of anything, and then only in this stupid terrible place to you begin to make real mistakes. Then everything stops. It all ends and you feel blindsided. Then you throw your hands in the air and you shout out, "never again!" and you listen to angry music and you feel a little better then you realize how sad you are that things didn't work out and you cry a bit and call your mother. Then you shake it off, walk about.

And a little later, it all starts again.

But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm looking too far into a pessimistic future. I hope that's the case. If I'm wrong, if this isn't true today, then I'll take this down. But right now? I'm mad, and I'm hurt, and I'm very clearly in the dark and I don't even know if I want to talk any more about it.

I'm sorry that I wrote this, but there is no one around for me to talk to.

3 comments:

Captain Julie said...

That's why I operate on very little confidence.

Second guessing yourself is the way to go.

andrea said...

next time call me :)

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